Swimming Upstream, Slowly

Swimming Upstream, Slowly

by Melissa Clark

I’m Kim Alexander and this is Fiction Nation. The book is Swimming Upstream, Slowly by Melissa Clark. The premise of this book is so horrifying, so awful, so gut clenching — it’s worse than clowns! (I know!) Here we go. Imagine you wake up tomorrow morning and you are pregnant. Now, that’s scary enough to me anyway, but it just gets worse. You know you haven’t had relations with anyone at all for over two years, and your doctor informs you you’re the victim of the extremely rare Lazy Sperm syndrome. Yes, someone’s little swimmer was just hanging out down there until the time was right.

That’s what successful children’s TV producer Sasha Salter is faced with. Lucky for Sasha, she’s only 27 and only has to look up a relatively small number of names from her past. And one of them is dead, thank God. (Okay, that didn’t come out right.)

But seriously, could you put together a list of every single person who might have donated that lazy sperm? Wouldn’t that mean you’d need their, like, names? (I’d like to pause at this point and note for my parents and my fiancé — if they are reading this, God Forbid — that this is a work of fiction and I’m just here telling a funny story. Carry on.) Looking back over my own list of names is a nice exercise in nostalgia, kind of like going over one’s own hospital records. Fun! Having to get in touch? Isn’t there a bus I can dive under?

Look, it was South Florida. It was the 80’s (okay, jeez, and part of the 90s, what, are you writing a book?) and it was a parade of the halt and lame that broke up with me and went directly to Lourdes. Why did I get involved with these guys in the first place? Well, I think I’ve traded perky boobs for good judgment.

In Swimming Upstream, Slowly, Sasha is in better shape list wise, but she’s in a real bad place timing wise. Her children’s show is winning all sorts of awards and she’s turning into a big star. How is the uptight director of the network going to handle this? I think even Sesame Street drew the line at unwed mothers. Her doctors are mostly shady and the tests are humiliating and invasive. The tests turn out to be the good old days once Sasha decides to try and find the father. Was it her old college professor? That guy that one time that may have moved to Tibet? (Now we’re talking!) The one person it was not was her best guy friend and constant companion Jordan, and if you can’t see where that relationship is going you aren’t paying attention.

Swimming Upstream, Slowly has some problems in telegraphing the plot twists (see above, Jordan) and I found some of Sasha’s decisions to be rooted more in the demands of the plot than reality. But Melissa Clark deserves major props for coming up with a premise so startlingly original and so completely — I was going to say horrifying on the scale of giant zombie spiders — thought provoking that I gave her a pass on some of the clunky exposition.

Worse than clowns. I may never sleep again.

Swimming Upstream, Slowly by Melissa Clark. I’m Kim Alexander and this is Fiction Nation on Book Radio, SiriusXM Channel 80.


I’m Kim Alexander and this is a Fiction Nation minute. The book is Swimming Upstream, Slowly by Melissa Clark.

This is a fairly light and humorous book, but it could easily have been a horror novel. Listen to this premise — successful kid’s television producer Sasha Salter gets the news that she’s pregnant. However, she hasn’t had relations with anyone for over two years. It’s something called Lazy Sperm syndrome, and we can all be very grateful it’s imaginary. So Sasha has to dust off her black book and track down all her old lovers, one of whom is the father. In Swimming Upstream, Slowly, Sasha has to not only face her past but possibly have a child with it. Appalling.  The writing is somewhat uneven and the characters act according to formula, but the ideas here are so thought provoking I gave Ms. Clark a pass. Swimming Upstream, Slowly by Melissa Clark. I’m Kim Alexander and this is Fiction Nation on Book Radio, SiriusXM Channel 80.


I’m Kim Alexander and this is a Fiction Nation minute. The book is Swimming Upstream, Slowly by Melissa Clark.

Sasha Salter is the toast of kid’s TV, her show has been picked up by the network and wins prizes around the world. At 27, Sasha is thinking about her career and hasn’t even had a date for over two years. So it’s a little bit of surprise when guess what, she’s pregnant. A star won’t rise in the east, though, it’s something called Lazy Sperm Syndrome. One of Sasha’s old loves — and it could be any one right back to the first — is the father. Does Sasha want to keep the child? Find out who the father is? That’s a trip back in time I don’t think anyone wants to make.  And who’s been leaking information to the press about her indelicate condition? Swimming Upstream, Slowly doesn’t give us any big surprises in the behavior of the characters but is written with warmth and charm. And Lazy Sperm Syndrome is imaginary, for which we can all be grateful. Swimming Upstream, Slowly by Melissa Clark. I’m Kim Alexander on Fiction Nation on Book Radio, SiriusXM Channel 80.


I’m Kim Alexander and this is a Fiction Nation minute. The book is Swimming Upstream, Slowly by Melissa Clark

The best thing about this novel is the premise — something called Lazy Sperm Syndrome, where one of those little swimmers just sort of lingers — for years — until the time is right to head upstream. That means anyone our heroine, 27 years old kids TV star Sasha Salter has ever been intimate with could be the father. Now Sasha has to decide whether to track down the men on her list, along with dealing with an inquisitive media and endless medical tests. Plus she still has a TV show to produce. All good stuff. Swimming Upstream, Slowly doesn’t work as well when it comes to the other characters in Sasha’s life — particularly her best male friend — conveniently she’s never had relations with him but he’s always ‘been there’ for her. I never had any doubt as to where that was going, and that was the only thing that felt fake. Fortunately as far as I know, Lazy Sperm Syndrome actually is fake. Swimming Upstream, Slowly by Melissa Clark. I’m Kim Alexander on Fiction Nation on Book Radio, SiriusXM Channel 80.


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